


That's All I Want to do Right Now

by CosmoKid



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Bakes Cakes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Canon Compliant, It's Mentioned Once, Like Bad Use, M/M, Medicinal Drug Use, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers is a good boyfriend, but not good, i guess?, idk - Freeform, kind of, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 08:11:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10080863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmoKid/pseuds/CosmoKid
Summary: I wanna sleep next to youBut that's all I wanna do right nowBucky can't sleep without Steve next to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is really self-indulgent and i wasnt really planning on posting it but its been in my folder for months now. it's probably not good because it's just written in one take and i just kinda wrote it when i was having a bad day so i could feel better about my own fears of sleeping so it's really not that good, but eh, might as well post it. enjoy i guess
> 
>  
> 
> also i didnt realise just how much troye sivan's talk me down fitted this until i listened to it today so i took the title from it because troye is life honestly

Bucky can’t sleep. 

It’s not what everyone thinks, it’s not the nightmares. The nightmares aren’t bad anymore, they're comforting even. They remind him that he’s real and that he’s Bucky Barnes, not the Winter Soldier. The Winter Soldier didn’t have nightmares. He’s not the Winter Soldier. He’s not the Bucky Barnes from before Hydra either, he can’t ever go back there and that's okay. But he’s the Bucky Barnes from now.

And he likes the nightmares, they can’t get any worse than what he’s faced. They remind him that he survived and that even if he’d gone through all of it, he’s okay. He’s not there anymore, he’s home, with Steve. Steve is his home and he has Steve. And Steve is okay with Bucky struggling and that’s okay. Steve struggles too and that’s okay too. They’re allowed to struggle. 

But Bucky can’t sleep. It’s not the nightmares that are stopping him from sleeping, he welcomes the nightmares, he wants them. And it’s not that he can’t stay asleep, once he’s asleep, he’s asleep and that’s it. He doesn’t wake up screaming anymore, he doesn’t wake up in a cold sheen of sweat, he doesn’t wake up breathless and panicking. He doesn’t wake up in the night anymore and that’s exactly the problem.

He was a hundred years old and he’d spent almost all of his life asleep. He’d go to sleep and wake up in another decade. He’d missed entire portions of his life just sleeping.

And he knew he was asleep. Not all of the time, but sometimes. When he was the Winter Soldier, he wasn’t there. He doesn’t know if the Winter Soldier knew he was asleep. But he did. In those few precious moments when he was himself, he knew he was asleep and he was trapped. He was trapped and helpless and alone. All he can remember was a pleading to wake up, he could remember begging to wake up, being so desperate. 

He doesn’t want to go back there, that’s the nightmare. His mind is reeling with what ifs, the waves of fear flooding his brain. He can’t sleep, he can’t risk it. What if he doesn’t wake up again? What if he gets trapped again, repeating the mantra of ‘wake’ up over and over again? He can’t do it, he can’t sleep.

At least he can’t do it alone. He always sleeps better when Steve’s home. He sleeps better when Steve’s next to him, holding him, able to bring Bucky back. He knows he can trust Steve to wake him up, to save him. It doesn’t take him as long to sleep anymore, just a few hours at most. He’s safe with Steve, he’s okay when Steve’s here.

But Steve’s not here and that’s the problem. He can’t sleep without Steve next to him, he doesn’t trust himself enough to wake up. Some days he can’t remember how to make toast or how to run a bath, he can’t trust himself to remember to wake up. 

So he doesn’t sleep. Not when Steve’s away. He doesn’t even go near the bedroom. He goes to the gym and works out all night or finds a book and reads all night or he watches movies and catches up on all the years he spent asleep or sometimes he bakes. He can remember the day when how to bake came back to him, he spent the entire day and night in the kitchen, making cakes and cookies and pies and even bread and everything he could remember while Steve sat at the island with a stupid lovesick grin on his face. 

He never asks for it, but every time Steve comes back, there’s some form of baked treats waiting for him in the fridge. He thanks him every single time, showering Bucky with praise. He likes it when Steve does that, but he can’t help but feel guilty. Steve doesn’t know that Bucky isn’t sleeping when he’s baking, he’s never told Steve that. He doesn’t want to worry Steve, not any more than he has already.

He has it covered, he lives off caffeine and prescription stimulants for narcolepsy he found in a rundown chemist. The lady in the shop was happy to give him some under the desk when he’d pretended that he was a single Dad trying to balance a full-time job, the lives of two young girls and online courses in law. He doesn’t think for a second that she believes him, but she’s happy to help.

So he manages. He distracts himself and keeps himself awake and waits for Steve to come back. Steve always gives him a heads up, and he always, without fail, arrives late at night. So Bucky waits in the bed, pretending to be asleep. It’s always too dark for Steve to see anything and Bucky can always sleep when Steve’s home. So Steve can’t tell that he doesn’t sleep, he can’t tell that he’s tired because Bucky’s never tired when Steve is home. There’s so much for him to discover with Steve, he doubts he could ever be tired when Steve is there.

But Steve’s not there. Steve’s out there being Captain America and Bucky shouldn’t be upset or angry. He can’t be upset that the world needs Captain America, but sometimes he needs Steve. 

He always needs Steve, but he can handle it when the world needs Captain America. So he manages.

He’s managing now, he’s sitting at their piano, practicing. He’d had lessons before the war, they were never professional or formal. It was just him and Steve sitting at the feet of old Ms. Morris, watching with wide eyes while she played. She hadn’t made them pay with money or favors or anything, she just liked to watch them learn. Steve had always been better, he was partially deaf, but he could pick up a tune like no one else. He still watches Steve with admiration and pride every time he sits at the piano. Watching him play is like being in heaven. 

Bucky isn’t anywhere near as good, but playing comforts him. It reminds him of Steve, of his warm hands and his welcoming arms and his warmth. Steve’s always like a heater, it’s completely different to the little Steve. Before the war, Steve was small and cold and he couldn’t wrap his arms around Bucky so Bucky always engulfed him. But now, Steve’s able to hold Bucky and keep him safe. Safe from the monsters that Bucky couldn’t even imagine before and safe from the impending legal complications and safe from the demons inside their own minds. 

He’s not playing anymore, just sitting at the piano lost in his mind. He likes thinking back sometimes, normally when he can think of Steve. But other times, he likes to think forward, think about the life he can have with Steve. He thinks to waking up with Steve next to him in forty years time or he thinks about marrying Steve because he’s allowed to love Steve now. He can proclaim to the world that he loves Steve Rogers with everything he has and no one can take that away from him. His love for Steve is his love and that’s everything he has. No one can have it. 

When Hydra had him, Bucky had nothing but himself and sometimes he didn’t have that and now he has freedom and he has Steve and he has himself. And maybe sometimes he can’t sleep and he doesn’t have peace of mind all of the time, but he has enough and he can manage so it’s okay.

He still jumps at the sound of unwelcomed footsteps. Being in the army, being on the run and being an assassin makes you uneasy at unexpected footsteps. He panics, he doesn’t know who it is. He knows it’s not an enemy, it’s practically impossible for anyone unauthorized to get in and the speed of the footsteps isn’t that of an enemy. Enemies are either more cautious, more meticulous or more intimidating. There’s a spontaneous tone to the steps and he can tell it’s someone reasonably tall. Steve and Sam are on a mission and Thor is god knows where. It's either be Clint or T’Challa reasonably. He begins to think of excuses, ways to make their worries disappear. He hasn’t slept in days and it shows, but he can’t worry them because they’d tell Steve and Steve would worry and he just can’t do that to Steve. He can explain it away, he always manages to. 

He stands up as the footsteps near, worrisome thoughts swimming through his head. He needs an excuse, a reason to look so tired. He tries to calm down, the panic overwhelming him again. He turns around just as he hears them near enough to be in the same room and he sees Steve.

His heart stops.

“Bucky?” Steve sounds terrified, staring at Bucky with concern in his bright blue eyses, “Buck, you don’t look so good. You okay?” 

“I… no,” Bucky admits, his breath shallow. 

Steve takes no time in striding across the room and engulfing Bucky in a hug. Bucky collapses into him, wrapping his arms around him. He always felt safe with Steve, Steve is his everything.

“Jesus Buck,” Steve murmurs after he pulls away, cupping Bucky’s face in his hands, “When was the last time you slept, Buck?” he asks gently, his voice full of concern. He hates it when Steve worries about him, he hates it so much. He just wants everything to be okay. He's not worth the worry.

“Yester-” he starts, the lying an automatic response. Months on the run does that to you, lying becomes second nature and you begin to lose who you are. Pretending you’re okay when everything is burning around you, it takes a toll on you. He's working on the lying, but sometimes it's just easier to lie. It's easier to be someone else than to admit the truth. It's hard to admit that you're broken and that you need and sometimes, Bucky would rather lie than tell the truth. He'd rather lie than face up to it all.

“Don’t lie,” Steve whispers, gently running his hands through Bucky’s hair. 

“I haven’t slept since you left,” he admits quietly, looking down and avoiding Steve’s gaze. He knows Steve will be upset that Bucky hadn’t told him, but he knows Steve will be understanding. And that’s the problem, he wants Steve to be angry at him for it, he wants to be angry, but he’s just upset.

“Oh Bucky,” Steve mumbles, pulling him in for another hug and rubbing his back, “Are the nightmares back?” he asks, his words vibrating on Bucky’s shoulder. He can feel Steve’s breath on his skin, it’s nice. 

“It’s not,” Bucky starts before he panics and stops, pulling back, “It’s not the nightmares,” he breathes, taking a deep breath.

“What is it?” Steve asks immediately before he also takes a deep breath, “Are you okay, Buck? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I just want to know if you’re okay.” 

“I’m okay, yeah, I’m okay,” Bucky murmurs, biting his lip, “I just. I don’t. I can’t. I just. I can’t trust myself to wake up,” he admits, feeling a warm tear slip out of the corner of his eyes.

“Can’t or won’t?” Steve questions, brushing the tear away and cupping Bucky’s face again, “It’s okay Bucky, no one is expecting you to be completely okay. It’s okay for you not to be okay, but you can talk to me, okay?” Steve gently guides Bucky to the sofa, wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

“I can’t. I just, I would go to sleep and wake up in a different decade and I’m scared, Steve, I’m scared. Sometimes I’d be there in cryo and I knew I was asleep and I kept wanting to wake up and I was just so alone Stevie, I don’t want to go back there,” Bucky mumbles, pressing his face into Steve’s chest, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m so fucked up, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay Buck. It’s okay, Bucky, listen to me, no one is expecting you to be okay. I can’t imagine going through what you went through, but I went to sleep in one century and woke up in the next so I know what it’s like to sleep for too long. And it’s okay to struggle, Buck, no one else has gone through that. I don’t think anyone else could survive that. You went through hell Bucky, you survived it. You’re still here and you’re still fighting. It’s okay for you to not be okay, it’s okay that you can’t sleep or that you’re scared, you’re allowed to be. And we can work through this Bucky, you’ve gone through so much, this is just one more hurdle and I promise that we can get over this, we can. And we’ll do it together.”

He takes a deep breath, wrapping his arms around Steve, “How do you manage it, Steve? How do you do it?” he asks tears prickling at the corner of his eyes again.

“How do I what? How do I fall asleep even if I’m scared that maybe this time I won’t wake up again until the next century?” Steve inquires. Bucky nods, pressing his face into Steve’s chest again. “The same way I go to sleep when I know the nightmares will be back, I remember that the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I can wake up next to you,” Steve smiles, pressing a light kiss to Bucky’s forehead, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, you know? Sleep next to you and wake up next to you and know that you’re mine and knowing that you know how much I love you because I love you so much Bucky, so much.”

“I know,” Bucky mumbles, “I love you too, doll, I love you more than anything, I love you so much. I never not want to love you, you’re perfect.”

“I know Bucky, I know. And I promise we’re going to get over this, I promise you. One day Buck, we’ll be okay, one day. And even if we never are okay, I promise that I’ll be there for you. no mater I’ll never stop loving you, I’m with you Bucky, until the end of the line.”

Maybe it’s not okay, maybe he can’t sleep, but he believes Steve. It’ll be okay, they’ll be okay because they’ve got each other and they’ll get through this. It’s just one more hoop to jump through and Bucky can do it as long as he’s got Steve and he’s got Steve until the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this mess
> 
>  
> 
> come scream with me on [tumblr](https://island-of-asteria.tumblr.com/)


End file.
